how the heck did I even get here so quick? The secind, a Christian, I felt more crazy as he sat there all calm and changed while I bawled and looked crazy. This stuff is what builds your strength (ur alot stronger than u think) He was fine for half of our marriage and then one day he snapped and turned paranoid/schizophrenic etc I am having a hard time. I am in the process of recovery and healing my wounds that took 18 years away from a once: confident, successful, highly educated women who is now starting over at age 57. Stay on the topic. While hes been a whole lot better and has suggested counseling, Im too scared to get sucked back in again. (Some of those time stamps indicated that he was watching porn on the very same night after we had coupled.) After 5 yrs of thislong story but my H had an emotional affair 5 yrs ago, and its been hell every since, no talking about it, mocking me when I was upset over the EA, flirting with other women and then getting angry with me if I got upset, lying to me and promising hed go to counseling, and then quitting after 3-4 sessions, etc. Plays music at church,but the devil at home. Hmmmm. I later learned that the other womans friend confronted him on the same issue that I had leading her friend on. You can say No thank you. If your husband wants therapy he can go alone. If I changed the focus to both men and women, many female abuse victims, especially those who are working through PTSD symptoms, would be confused and potentially harmed. Hang in there. Here are some examples of how this might play out: Wife: When you did/said such and such, it hurt., Husband: Thats ridiculous. Feeling lost and defeated. Unraveling Religious Abuse in Blog Comments, Its Normal to Be Sad When Losing an Emotionally Abusive Relationship. There are too many hurting women in church, dying inside, with no help in sight. Then make a plan. A good provider financially but very controlling . Naw, I think youre seeing things. However, I knew what I had experienced wasnt imagined. Consider this recent email from an angry woman. Several times Im lucky I survived it. It took till I was 50! Shell be told to submit more, make better meals, give more to a better sex life, quit nagging, stop trying to be his personal holy spirit, and other choice rebukes with accusations and assumptions embedded in them. This is how churches align themselves with the abuser and enable him to dig into deeper denial. He finally apologized, but by that point, it seemed like just another tactic to get his way. so sad. Oh big mistake. My older kids are all behind me and have my back. My reactions were the problem, never his behavior. Thank you for your post. Please send your responses to TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com and visit my website at www.TheMarriageRecoveryCenter.com. Id been dating what I thought was a good guy for 3yrs but I ignored a few red flags I shouldnt have, and of course after escaping that Hell & looking back at it all thats an understatement. http://www.joinflyingfree.com, I feel so alone on my journey too as a believer. Im currently in. They do need to hear from other women. Have I tried being patient and reasonable to no avail? I get a lot of verbal abuse, because I am a burden and have physical and depression problems. I want to leave but I fear being alone. I would have used his excuses and beat myself up for not being enough. Before we got married my husband would make hurtful comments to me in front of others and I brushed it off because they were sporadic. He told me he would kill me. My mother passed away several years ago and everything that was my life to that moment flipped upside down. Our marriage counselor favors my husband. Doesnt sound like a man to me My fathers exact words. Instead of feeling relaxed or glad to be home, you feel on edge. People who refuse to take responsibility for anything bad does not equal Borderline. Discovering A CRY FOR JUSTICE blog is how I discovered ministries like VISIONARY WOMANHOOD. Because emotional abuse is hidden, unrecognizable, and untraceable. Jesus will never fail you. This messed with my mind, deeply, given the later accusation of making things up when I noticed his tendency to trifle with a womans heart. about someone being pleased to dwell if they are not Christian) by the wifes willing, sacrificial life of suffering for Christ! He has excuses for everything, and I carry the responsibility for our income, paying the bills and caring for our home and two children. I want to tell you about the one key component of every single emotionally abusive relationship. Are the signs etc. Sally, your comment is exactly how Im feeling right now. Likewise, God is not saying we must remain in a marriage with a man who makes it all about himself. Its been a very hard lifeso many thoughts and emotions are racing through the memories of my mind! They already know the cycle with him. time. I said that, but it was a mistake, and if you were not so selfish and unreasonable, you would be more understanding. I encourage you to take a tough stand, make firm agreements and then hold one another accountable for those agreements. Praying for everyone We have a precious Lord and Savior who cares ((hugs)). Yes, but God is helping me get free from all the pain of the past. Since you did not ask to be put in this situation he will be forced to take care of you financially. There was never, and still is not, resolution to any hurt. Cyber hugs from me to youits going to be okay. Unfortunately, I cant share this article with the people in my life who need it most. Im still working, and Ill talk about that! I saw signs before the marriage, and every year hes worse than before. It is life changing! Except Im still here. Our son screams and throws his adult body on the floor (landlords live right below). I know God saw everything I suffered. Denial of responsibility Stonewalling silence and retreat Angry outbursts Defensiveness and overreaction Blame-shifting Accusatory responses Partial acceptance Taking things personally. This shows they arent actually listening to you and making your requests a priority.. Cant afford, according to husband. No more tears. This has gone on for 6 years. Abusive folks want power and control over their partner. I am trying to rid myself of the bitterness and save all the money I can to move away when my son is older, for we are denied that and many other things, though his father is not in his daily life. now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? Im so grateful to be able to connect with a Christian sister. Anyone cornered will eventually fight back. Too often we feel like ALL God wants of us is to love mercy. Its a tough balance, but I believe that you have found it. And that means calling a spade, a spade. But most of the ones I enjoy fellowship with have also left the organized, institutionalized church. The church thinks separating is like the worst possible thing that anyone could do! God never intended children to be viewed as money bags sold to the biggest bully with the most money to buy the lawyers who are in bed with the judges ruling against the impoverished parent. Husband ignores me most of the time. The mourning is very real. Laziness can lead to selfishness in men. Im still here, too. My abuser already has another target hooked and it bothers me to think shell fall through the cracks just like me if and when she wakes up to who he really is and what hes doing. So much truth in your posting. As if that person does not exist. I pray that God protects you and gives you wisdom and discernment. The more you know the Bible and you test anyone with it, the more you can know for sure if that person is a true convert and believer or not. I feel so alone and its getting hard to be happy in front of my kids cause I feel like breaking down all day . Joy, calmness, peace, is my thought and that is something money can never buy and something he can never take from me. Youre thinking, I think this is me. It may bring about a temporary change, but it wont be lasting. Also VERY IMPORTANT to regain your self respect, self esteem, self pride & faith to believe there is a good man our there for you who will treat you right! within two years they divorced. I dont understand, and I dont have the strength to even leave anymore. I never said that (when he most definitely DID say that). Yet at the same time you need to get across to them that you dontand cantagree with what they did. 7 signs you're a bad partner even if you think you aren't. It's possible that your actions and the words you use with your partner could be putting your relationship in jeopardy without you even realizing it. The way attraction works, is you can always get more of a quality you find. I need to start believing and follow through. So I kept it to myself. Im happy to have found your blog! Ive wasted over 30 years of my life, struggling to understand and work with a man who lacks empathy and has never allowed me to get close to him, now I take comfort in my relationship with God, my children and church ministries. He still continued to emotionally abuse me and he always found a way to make me forgive him and soon it was normal but I still knew it was wrong and felt as if I was always disappointing him. Know we all support you!! In some cases, the wife has to ask, remind or grovel for money every month to take care of household or personal expenses. Doubtless, the parents would also need to let the child know that whenever hes feeling discounted, dismissed, or disregarded, a much better option than teasing or disparaging his younger sibling would be to share his hurt feelings with them. All his rants are about how Ive prevented or hurt him in some way. Oh how I wish I could sit down with you. I later divorced and remarried. It just aids in the destruction of several human lives. Im worn out. I found your site too late to become part of this group. He did not like this and pelted me with words of encouragement to the tune of, Youre ruining this family. He was losing control and decided he was going to fight back. Any husband here described by the victims is definitely NOT a Bible believing Christian. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? There's a big difference between a partner who contributes to running your lives as a couple without being asked, and one who needs to be reminded 100 times along the way. Im so glad i found Natalie when I heard her say 25 yrs and 9 kids I was in, lol. He was an emotionally abusive person. That is their responsibility to take not yours. His wrongs were either not wrong, not a big deal, or my own fault. I believed him and spent the entire day terrified and disappointed in my son. We both need dental work our house is far from being completed and we literally have nothing. If i could just be more organized, cook more gourmet meals, be prettier, more submissive, not so sensitive, not so defensive, etc, etc, etc. Does Christ abuse His Church? Worse still, I dont trust my own judgment anymore. I realized it wasnt me. God doesnt want our obedience without our hearts engaged, otherwise its a one sided relationship where we are only in it for what God can do for us. I would leave now but Im broke and undereducated. Thankfully God is my judge and thats all I care about looking forward toward my new life free from the abuse and the abuser. Im married to a man who is emotionally abusive. Did you get out?? Before the honeymoon was over, I knew that I made a very bad mistake by saying IDo. I seemed SO selfish. The responsible father will err on the side of over praising and encouraging their children so that they never have low self-esteem. Dr. Hawkins grew up in the beautiful Pacific Northwest and lives with his wife on the South Puget Sound where he enjoys sailing, biking, and skiing. Now that I see it, Im angry. I left that church for a year, & transferred somewhere else. I have no advice to you but once in a while do something nice just for yourself so you can feel human again.