But I financially support my partner, and I feel extremely judged as a result. If your spouse is using you for your finances, he will ensure that all of the household finances fall back on you. The problem here is layered. He has no savings or own property because of bad financial decisions that has left him $50k in the hole. My bf has made bad financial decisions (according to him) in past and has lost all of his savings and now he is ~ negative $50k. What are those? Thanks. It's tough to make an objective, logical decision about how to help your brother or your parents. However, in recent years, the idea of being single has gained more acceptance and understanding. Both parents used to have decent jobs and incomes when working but did nothing for their retirements. We know each other from many years ago in college. He needs to be able to stand on his own two feet as a self-reliant man who makes his own decisions, can face the world on his own and pay his own bills without help. Its awful being in a relationship where you feel like youre being used, nevermind a marriage. When Its Workable:If your man is a bit shy or a bit of a loner, it doesnt mean you need to dump him. My bf and I have discussed getting engaged within the next few years, which has made me begin to think of EVERYTHING in our relationship - not just the "love" part. When theyre able to work, they earn low wages. I am wondering where you live that you pay $1100 a month for an apartment? He's putting money towards your family goals (10K saved ain't nuthin') and also using money to support his family. His income is barely covers his outflow. When/If you two really decide to move in together is when you can start talking about finances. ENA posted a article in Mental Health, 22 hours ago, ENA posted a article in Relationships, 22 hours ago, ENA posted a article in Relationships, 21 hours ago, ENA posted a article in Personal Growth, 20 hours ago, By Its more important to examine how the two of you work through these issues. You guys need to sit down together and work this out peacefully and non-judgmentally. She has two jobs (technically), but one is just helping out a family friend water plants at various business offices (so pay isn't that great or stable) and the second job is a part time retail gig (she gets 20 hours MAX if lucky a week)she will complain she has no money and then give away like 10 hours worth of shifts at her retail job because her "back hurts". If the mom truly has financial issues that stem from emotional problems, i could see whre he would say "we will give mom $150 a month for x amount of time" or whatever, but she shouldn't be treated like his wife or child being doled out money. My boyfriend wants to buy his parents a small home or rent them a more affordable apartment. Truthfully, engagement is completely out of the question once he says and does these. You are right :( i felt the same way as you described but want to make sure i am not ending a relationship that I have invested in for a year by mistake/selfishly. His commitment to his parents is like having two college age demanding children that ones has agree to support, only that his situation is relatively permanent. In a healthy relationship, your partner should never begrudge you for spending your own money, unless youre being reckless with it. "Through the verdict returned by the courageous jury in Colleton County, Alex Murdaugh will drink from the same cup of justice as every other citizen and other convicted murderers," a statement . Dont believe me? People often assume that in a heterosexual relationship, the man should be the main breadwinner. His priorities are caring for his parents instead of having a life of his own, you get to decided if you want to support him while he supports them. Read on for four non-negotiables that are often overlooked, but that Ive learned to hold on tightly to. So again, if the man makes more than the woman or vice versa, that's . I told him how unfair the situation is and he said if he gets serious with someone it will change and he will ask his sibling to contribute too. However, there are some certain things that you can look out for, and as long as you know what youre looking for, youll be able to figure out if your husband really is using you financially. His mother is always going to be in the picture and is very financially reliant on him like she is his wife. This way its not over-the-top. The main issue is money. Additionally, some men may need to be shown the impact that his actions, or his inaction, can have on a person. He cant afford to write them a blank check each month. Published by on 30 junio, 2022 I am new to this site and feel like I have no where else to turn/seek advise! Not only is she asking another woman's husband for money, this is not the first time she's done so. When Its Workable:If your man has recently changed directions, graduated school or been laid off, give him a break. Am I making a mistake? TOPE OMOGBOLAGUN writes about the challenges of having a spouse who doesn't support their partner financially. Recently, the ex-wife has fallen on times so hard that she and her children were likely facing eviction- and she asked her ex-husband if he could help her financially. applestorangesJanuary 30, 2012 in Relationship Advice. You accept his family are using him, but that doesn't justify my behavior towards our finances. This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies. It doesnt really matter what the ins and outs are - a guy thats not sharing the bills for the home you both live in isnt someone that you want to be in a marriage with. Continue with Recommended Cookies, By if mom walks into their bedroom while they are in there asking for money, the boundaries stink. I'm sure you are a wonderful person and he has real feelings for you, but you are very much the solution to many of his problems. You perfectly describe our situation and possible options. The other long-standing issue #2 is his 'bad financial decisions'. Thanks for your comment. Love knows no boundaries, and it is not unusual for individuals of different ages to fall in love. 3. His parents dont have any other source of income at least for next 3 years or so until they become citizens and qualify for some sort of social assistance. Well, lets just say they likely arent getting many accolades on the other side, either. When we first met . I have come to the same conclusion, but want to make sure I am not making a mistake or missing something that I have problem with his current lifestyle. But a year later, he is saying he doesn't think he and I will be able to move out from living with his mom anytime soon because he says we are not financially responsible and his mom needs help financially. After realizing I was the person that everyone around me always came to for dating advice, I decided to merge this skill with my profession writing. I earn more than him (55k),he's on 30k,and we want to buy a house, throw a wedding (we've only said our vows so far) and save for kids. They never help us, even when asked, and always have a Que of favours ready to ask him. As long as hes paying all of his parents bills, nothing is going to change. By extension, your life is on hold as well. Can you share your experience with me please? Rent, groceries, bills, car, cellphone, you name it. But as of now, he spends more on supporting them than himself. Now we are renting a small house together. 1. Your boyfriends life is on hold as long as he allows this arrangement to continue. Let me make a distinction of what I am NOT saying here: I am not saying to reassure him. When you're dating a man who is not financially stable, be ready to be his sponsor or bank. Full disclosure I'm pretty cynical. That could make it difficult if he wants to buy a home at some point, especially given that he already has student loans. He told me that without his support the parents will be homeless. His parents are older and currently unemployed. Or youd be forced to drastically lower your living standards to accommodate their support. We don't have shared bills, because we where living apart until this weekend. If your man cant live on a budget, and its your money that hes going over budget with, - hes not keeping to a budget because he doesnt care about spending your money, its not his after all. We have started talking moving in, marriage, etc, and I feel his financial commitment to his parents is a dealbreaker for me. Financial insecurity is also one of the top reasons women return to an abusive partner. I once dated a guy and was so crazy about him. If it's immaturity, bad luck, or basically circumstantial stuff, then maybe it's not unsalvageable. However, my boyfriend will still need to support his family. So, if your partner gets annoyed or makes you feel guilty when you spend money on yourself, its really because they wanted to spend that money and enjoy it themselves. A mans work ethic is a reflection of his character, says Jennine Estes, M.F.T and author ofRelationships In The Raw. I dont have a real relationship with his parents, and Im not willing or able to offer my own financial support to them. He is smart, has a good career and very hard working at this point, I believe he can makeup for his financial shortcomings if he didnt have this huge commitment. He gives them 350 every month. Or maybe youre simply wondering what the signs of financial abuse are because you feel as if youre being used? The only way i can see this working is if mom lives in an in-law apartment so you can have your own spaces or she lives with a sibling or someone else, with him paying a certain bill. Laughter is often referred to as the best medicine, and it's no wonder why. I use my personal money more on him than on myself. Being a motivated human being is far sexier than sitting on a fat stack of cash (although I'm not going to lie, the fat stack of cash doesn't exactly hurt your case). You seem to have the experience that they are basically leeching off of him, so what are you guys going to do about it? If you find that whenever you go out for dinner or head to the shops youre always the one paying because your guy never offers, this is a problem. Relationships are all about equality, even when it comes to . TL:DR: My boyfriend (M39) (I am F37) of ~1 year has been responsible for his parents financially since their retirements. Dear Penny, My longtime boyfriend and I are both in our mid-20s. took some money outta ma savings to help him buy a car. You've only been with him a year, so i wouldn't get involved any deeper with him til this is resolved. TL:DR: My boyfriend (M39) (I am F37) of ~1 year has been responsible for his parents financially since their retirements. To that end you need to have a serious conversation and find out how he lost his savings and exactly what these "poor financial decisions" were and why is he so far in debt. I can see if his mom had a learning or physical disability and didn't have groceries - then you buy mom a bag of groceries or but doling out cash does not help her. While it's totally OK if 1 spouse earns more than another, it's not OK for 1 spouse to not contribute financially if they have a job and earn an income. It should not be that she should just accept this if it makes her very uncomfortable and resentful. Sam buys the groceries ($250 a month), while Chris pays for all other necessary expenses ($1,100 a month). Can you please share your experience with me? It doesnt mean you have to end things if you dont get along with the family in the beginning. We have started talking moving in, marriage . Marrying him would be a gigantic mistake. Aug 14, 2012, 03:21 PM. While it has revolutionized communication and allowed people to connect with each other in unprecedented ways, it has also had a significant impact on body image. Its not just about financial security, its also about showing that someone is willing to get up every day and do what it takes to take care of themselves and work towards a higher goal.. The key component is compromise. And how unfortunate she feels that his son has to work so hard to provide for them. His current financial situation is because of wrong investments and mostly putting all his savings in one basket, trying to have his own business and spending substantial amounts of money with little success. When hurt or harm is inflicted, it can be difficult to move past it and continue to build a healthy and happy relationship. Tell him that she can get roommates if she doesn't want to live alone, and she can learn to live within her means rather than depending on the two of you, but you are just not willing to live in a situation where you support her for the next 30 years because you have other goals like getting married and having kids etc. Helping out your parents financially is a nice thing to . Still, Im a firm believer that all adults should know to make a decent omelette and steak, and they should want to wash the dishes within a few hours of the meal. F that. .You are not going to like my reply but this is hardly a surprise. They had been together for 5 and a. There are some people who will live with their parents their whole lives and expect their spouse to accept it. If he needs to work two jobs to pay his parents bills while hes still living with them, he certainly cant afford the expenses of a second household. But, if your spouse is trying to take advantage of you for your finances, they will be reckless with your money, spending it on anything and everything they want - this is a huge red flag. If a grown adult cant live life on a budget and doesnt understand personal finance or expenses, no matter how many times youve explained it and given financial advice, theres something wrong! I was upset because he made a big show of promising to buy it, I told his sister he was going to buy me a coat, and then when we where in the shop, he said it was too expensive and he could only afford half. As a grown woman, its only hot if that band is U2. The Laundry/Love Equation:OK, so lets be real: anyone with long workdays and a busy social life knows that take-out numbers are called and tube socks occasionally find a home on the floor. My Husband Uses Me Financially (13 Alarming Signs). Send your tricky money questions to AskPenny@thepennyhoarder.com. Example 1: Sam recently lost their job, so they moved in with their friend Chris until they could get back on their feet. He will borrow from you a LOT. My boyfriend works 40+ hours a week at a office type job that he HATES and bairly makes enough to get by and I work also 40+ hours a week as an office admin making ok money, and he and I are both trying to complete our college educations by taking night classes so things are tight right now..having his mom act like a helpless 2 year old, sitting on her kiester ALL damn day while I'm at work and then at school - PISSES ME OFF! I know his parents dont have savings. Don't get married if you feel the partner is dominating or financially incompatible. If youre tired of collecting frequent flyer miles to the purgatory between stay and go, youre in luck. I think, I just want a strong future, and I don't see that with his family in the picture. When youre getting married, you will most likely commit to being financially tied, meaning you will probably have a joint bank account. Relationships are dynamic and there are a lot of ways to connect with a partner. He pays for 85 . 2 minute read. I guess, what I'm asking is: is it wrong for me to want that 350 to be saved for our future instead of a family that only uses us? So you basically don't know him at all. I was really embarrassed. It will accumulate in time and destroy your relationship by chipping away at your respect for him and your trust that he can offer you a sense of balance and security. If your guy is taking your money and spending it on himself, doing things that dont actually benefit you, for example, buying himself new clothes or going out with his friends, it could be a sign that hes using you. We seek posts from users who have specific and personal relationship quandaries that other redditors can help them try to solve. Thanks for the advice. I think its important to get to the root of the matter and find out why he feels obligated to help her out in the manner that he does. No, Im not talking Todd English-style dishes and floors so clean you can eat off of them (though, both would be nice). A continuing conversation seems like the last thing this situation needs. Youve got to make sure that the relationship is solid and can handle the conflict no matter what, she says. Kody also isn't shown doing much with most of his children. 17th May 2021. He thought about it for two weeks. This signals that he may not see you as an equal. He has stood by my side through the very rough cancer diagnosis and my recovery.Two years ago, when I victoriously beat cancer, we went away for an idyllic beach . They have money, but they don't want to touch it. Theyre the ones that cause that gnawing feeling in your gut and leave you wondering if the situation is workable or if its time to walk. It can be an incredibly difficult situation to deal with, both emotionally and financially when your husband is financially irresponsible. If he's willing to discuss these things openly, if he's willing to then agree to financial counseling with you before marriage and clean up and address financial issues before any marriage happens and then does so - not just says he will but really does do that - that's a good sign. He was one of the very smart ppl in his program and got his degree in less than 3years etc. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. The more you grow, the more the relationship can grow, says Estes. However, the most obvious sign of financial abuse is if he only shows affection for you and feels attraction for you when youre paying for things, or stays in a marriage with you even though theres nothing left to stay for. If your guy wants to spend money on himself, he could be using his own money, not yours - thats exactly what his individual earnings are for. He may be unsure as to how to reach out to new friends. I always buy him little gifts that he might want or need, and I've mentioned I'd love little gifts too. I have a good income, own two properties (live in one and rented the other) and not a bad savings.